Pause

by scribblemoose

"Hakkai?"

Gojyo's hands fell to his sides as Hakkai turned, pulling himself out of Gojyo's embrace.

"I'm sorry, Gojyo" he murmured, his voice low and with that deep hum of pain that wrenched at Gojyo's heart.

"What's wrong?"

But Hakkai was already striding away into the forest. Gojyo had to practically run to catch up. "Hey, Hakkai!"

"I'm sorry, Gojyo," Hakkai repeated. "I can't..."

Gojyo kept in step with him. A twinge of panic tugged at him. What if Hakkai had had enough? What if he didn't want him any more? What if...

Hakkai was shaking. Not just shivering in the chill of the night. Shaking. As if he were in shock or something.

"It must have been hard the past day or so," Gojyo said. "I know it's not easy when you've had the past dragged up and everything."

"Yes," said Hakkai, quietly.

"If you want to talk about it..."

"No, thank you."

"Okay." Gojyo realised he'd left his cigarettes back at the jeep when he snuck off to catch Hakkai for a quick tryst in the relative privacy of the forest. It had been a long day; the monkey was finding his cast itchy and everyone had to suffer as a consequence. That put Sanzo straight into a mood. And Hakkai hadn't been right since Chin Iisou. He hadn't said anything, but Gojyo could tell. The nightmares hadn't stopped yet, and from time to time he'd caught Hakkai with a deeply sad expression on his face. Just for an instant, before he caught himself and put the mask back on.

They walked in silence for a few minutes. The shaking didn't stop and Hakkai just kept walking.

Eventually, Gojyo's patience gave out. He grabbed Hakkai's arm to make him stop. Hakkai resisted at first, but Gojyo just tightened his grip. "Look at me, 'Kai."

He was hiding his eyes behind his thick fall of hair, refusing to meet Gojyo's gaze until Gojyo lifted his chin and forced him to.

There were tears. Big, wet tears pooling in Hakkai's vivid green eyes.

"Hakkai." Gojyo caught the first trickle of wet as it spilled down Hakkai's cheek, smearing it away gently with his thumb. "Tell me. Please tell me."

From Hakkai's expression a person might have thought Gojyo was torturing him rather than seeking to comfort him. It was usually that way, trying to get Hakkai's feelings out of him, unless it was one of those rare occasions when he volunteered them. But Gojyo knew better than to give in.

He threaded his fingers through Hakkai's hair, and licked another tear from his cheek. "Tell me."

Hakkai's trembling hand reached tentatively towards Gojyo's chest, finding the still sensitive point where Sanzo had shot him. But Gojyo didn't flinch. Hakkai was his healer, after all. Besides, he was fine now. Mostly.

"I hurt you," Hakkai whispered.

The world stood still for a moment; there was just the rustling of trees, the faint chirp of birds in the thin first light. Gojyo moved closer, intensely aware of Hakkai's precious pulse under his fingers as he curled them protectively around the base of his skull.

"No," he said, firmly. "That bastard Chin Iisou hurt me. You would never, ever hurt me."

He held Hakkai's gaze for a moment, making absolutely sure the message had got through Hakkai's armour of self-hatred. Once the flicker of recongition and acceptance had flared, he kissed him, softly at first, brushing at Hakkai's lips with his until they parted a little; swallowing the sob that escaped then taking the kiss long and hard as Hakkai flung his arms around him and clutched him so tight it hurt, fingers clenching in the fabric of Gojyo's shirt as if he intended to never let go.

They stayed that way for a long while, Gojyo interspersing deep kisses with soft words of reassurance, until something of the tension in Hakkai's body melted away, and their affection turned to something else. Something hot and urgent and mind-stealing, and Gojyo would dearly have loved to act upon it, to lay Hakkai down on the forest floor and fuck the pain and worry out of him.

But the sun was picking up strength; Sanzo would be awake soon and there would be seven kinds of hell to pay if they weren't ready to get back on the road. So he resisted the urge, hoping very hard that there would be an inn and a bed later in the day.

"We should get back," said Hakkai softly, letting go of Gojyo's shirt and smoothing the crinkled fabric over his back.

"I guess."

But still neither of them made a move. Hakkai let himself be held, and Gojyo held him.

"Thank you," said Hakkai, softly. "I thought-"

"You think too much," said Gojyo. "That's your problem. Thinking's very bad for you, you know. Look at Sanzo."

He felt Hakkai smile against his neck.

"Besides," Gojyo continued. "I thought you trusted me."

Hakkai raised his head in alarm. "Of course I trust you, Gojyo!"

"Well then." Gojyo brushed the hair out of Hakkai's eyes. Both of them. The sheer beauty of his lover's face made his belly flutter. "You should know I wouldn't die."

Hakkai gave a little smile.

Gojyo kissed him again, long and soft and gentle, until neither of them had much breath left.

"And that goes for you too," he murmured. "I trust you not to die."

Hakkai nodded, smiled again, his lips damp and swollen from kissing. "I'll remember that."

Just as they were about to settle into an extended making-out session after all, Hakuryuu came in a flurry of flapping wings and squeaking, and tugged at Hakkai's sleeve. The others must be awake, unless the little dragon had got fed up of Goku's fidgeting in his sleep and just dumped them on the ground. Either way, they had to go back, and Gojyo let Hakkai lead him back through the forest, not letting go of his hand until he could hear the familiar sound of Sanzo belting Goku with his fan drifting towards them on the breeze.